After a win this morning I messed up. I lead worship at church, set up a new thing where we pray together briefly after as I am aware of the interaction of people and giving out triggers me and also of dynamics in worship group can be tricky I thought good to help by being together at the end of service. I didn’t take more money than I needed to get bread milk etc after service and went home ate lunch and watched spin off series from Jane Austin ( so very mild) then plan was to take dogs out and then maybe do music playing or resting but felt guilty for not seeing my Dad so walked dog over to his. He was drinking wine. He asked when I’d last seen mum ( she’s got dementia in a home) and it was 5 months ago on her birthday I went I felt guilty. When I went she was in her room and covered in poo and my son couldn’t manage to come in. I had gone in and sang happy birthday. Dad was talking about how beautiful I am and kissing me and I felt odd. I sorted out his computer as he talks at me if I try to talk he doesn’t listen and he said how he loves hearing me play at church but he never comes to my concerts out of church or when I was growing up. Then my autistic teen messaged about demands they had and my 14 year old rang asking for sleepover at family’s house whose son has sent my trans son abusive messages and I got overwhelmed and caved and it would have been day 3 and I feel very hopeless and rubbish and because I was sorting out my Dads computer virus I missed my Dissociative identity support group so feeling irritated too and mad at myself for caving. I start afresh tomorrow but once I start on a day I just keep going as the overwhelm is too much 😵‍💫 made a wrong decision going to Dad’s but seemed like a dutiful thing to do 😭