Sometimes I envy people who wake up each day happy, who genuinely are happy and didn’t chose the path of drugs to help get through and numb their pain. I know everyone has their own struggles and no one has the perfect life but I envy the ones who can accept that. I never had that, my whole life I struggled badly with anxiety and depression, I hit the worst of it in my teenage years. I hated myself for the longest time, I blamed myself for something that wasn’t my fault but it took me years to understand that. I envy people who have family, in order for me to help gain sobriety and stay sober unfortunately my family was what I needed to let go of. My sister is 20 years older then me and growing up she was like a mom to me but when I was 11, her husband (someone who was around from the time I was 4 years old and looked at like a dad) sexually abused me. For years I thought I was doing something to make him think it was okay . I feared every holiday every birthday every family get together because any time he had the chance to get me alone he took it. It went on for years. Then I realized pills took away that pain it numbed my thoughts and made me not feel anymore and I liked that, I liked turning it all off. I was on pain pills for years, I felt I thrived on them. Went to college, graduated with a 4.0, got a great job all while continuing to numb my pain. I finally decided I didn’t want to live my life constantly turning off my feelings instead of working through them, that’s when I found kratom and 7oh, it got me sober from pills but then quickly consumed my life. The last 2 years I have fought like hell to get kratom out of my life. I finally told my sister what happened all those years… long story short I haven’t talked to my sister in a year and she’s still married to him. I’m sober now though and I’m learning to be okay and happy while being sober. But some days and nights it’s hard and lonely. I hope all of you are doing well tonight. Thanks for listening.